Deliverance Set me Free

Yesterday (28 July 2007) was an awesome day. I finally met up with Eunis Lee & we had a short window shopping. Before that i was in the kopitham & saw Gladys & Darrell, they joined me for lunch cos there's no seats. But Eunis didn't join us. I thought she felt uncomfortable but anyway that's ok.

Eunis gave me an interesting game about the bridge, rabbit, key, people & a walking stick. So i drew a bridge. On the bridge (the right side) was a person holding a walking stick going towards the left direction & on the left side was a rabbit holding a key going towards the right direction. So Eunis said that the person who was holding the walking stick was me. The walking stick represents my career. She said that i just started in my career. Going towards the rabbit who is holding the key represents that i'm going to trust all the treasures & riches to my companion. I gave her 70% of her accuracy. Haha i'm still young & want to achieve in my career & studies first.

Remember my ultimate goal is to be a speech & drama specialist?! Preschool career is just a stepping stone to me. After meeting up with Eunis, i went to meet Charlene to go service together. We share our thoughts & problems together. It was great to meet up with her. Then i saw Xueni & Jiale in the same train with me haha...what a small world? There i go disturbing jiale about his ahem...haha...anyway it's just for fun but i can be careful ok?!

Well, now for service, it's great & awesome..but halfway through the service i almost fell asleep. Luckily Charlene & John had sweets for me to be awake. After the service was a deliverance service. I went for it & i really experience the miracles. Funny thing was i felt that my breathing seem to be faster & a faster heartbeat...i felt like i'm going to hyperventile...i simply have no idea why...i thought maybe i exert my body too hard by singing all out...but i was thinking why must it be this moment during the deliverance? Then i went forward with slightly numb body. Suddenly i just screamed & the people got to hold me down & prayed for me...when i screamed, i felt the bad things are released...& i'm being set free...i no longer 'hyperventile'...everything was calm after prayer & screaming...i'm glad i felt the peace...not much feeling of guilt & shame & rejection...i'm free in the name of Jesus!

After the deliverance, i went with Simon, Kelvin, Samantha & Yew Keong for dinner in Eunos. I sat in Simon's car with Sam & Yew Keong. It's fun hanging with my cell group. I love them! Indeed i experience HIS presence & God set me free! Praise the Lord!

...Excitement...

I just came back from the interactive lesson my best friend's niece, Umairah! Thank God i'm not perspiring! I wore a long sleeve that i bought from Genting...i can say that it's a little warm today! Haha but i guess the service will be pretty cold later! I just have my 2nd pay cheque by Mr. Yusri. Next week will be my best friend's brother's wedding...wow...let's see what shall i wear next week...i'm pretty excited for the deliverance by Rev. Mike Connell...really hope that i'm able to see a breakthrough in my life...all the struggles & problems to overcome in the name of Jesus, yeah Amen! i've been doing the 12 hour fast since last friday till yesterday...i must say it's really a good experience for me as i've never fast like this before...i should tell myself, 'yeah keep it up! i can do through God who strenghtens me!' Since last friday till thursday, i didn't puke but it's only on friday that was yesterday... my E.D starts coming back...i feel quite bad...i'm just too greedy & such as a compulsive eater that i just indulge too much making me feel nauseous & really threw out the food! Yesterday was really a horrible day for me! Then when i was surfing the net, i asked my grandma if she wants to come to church but she rejected! Instead she said she wants to go to the temple to pray with my auntie. i was pretty disappointed. I mean she told me that she believes in Jesus but she still rejects to go to church! Sign...:( I guess i just have to keep her in my prayers that God will open the door for her...i did have a hair cut as well...my fringe! Grace said i look like a Jap...wow that's cool...i think Jap are cool...that compliment makes me happy but i'm kinda doubtful...what if i look like a china doll? No No No.....! i don't wanna be one & look like one....!!!! I'm gonna meet Eunis Lee today in Jurong point later... man she used to ask me but her requests are always rejected...now i think back...i feel so bad...anyway it's never too late! Hopefully i'll continue to live by faith hope & love...God's presence is absolutely wonderful...i always look forward to go service to dress my best & serve my best...ok got to makan!!! Bye Blog! haha ciao!

I Just Realize (created on 19 June 2007)

I Just Realize

Looking at the mirror,
Dressing my best,
Putting on beautiful & cautious make up,
Combing my long & coarse hair,
Smiling at my reflection,
I thought i look great.
But when i step out of my 4 corners of my house,
I realize there are dozens of beautiful ones,
Looking at them,
I feel so envious & jealous,
I thought to myself,
If only i had a certain feature like them,
If only i had a perfect statistics,
If only i'm a supermodel,
If only i'm the most prettiest woman in the world,
Perhaps i'll be a happier person,
But i realize all these are just a fantasy & dreams.
It's just a wishful thinking of my part.
Tears streamed down as these thoughts came to my mind,
There are people complimenting about my beauty,
Yet i do not believe & feel dissatisfied,
I still feel like a piece of worhtless rug,
Then i just realize acceptance is all in the mind,
The fact is i couldn't accept myself.
I thought i did but i didn't.
Sometimes i wish i can die,
So i don't have to face the world,
Then i realise life is more than i thought,
There's so much to learn,
Not just beauty,
Not just money,
It's about living a life with purpose & face the reality.
Self esteem is so important.
I've to tell myself,
I am beautiful no matter what people said,
Words can't bring me down.

Imperfect Life

A few years ago, i thought God had found a perfect companion for me.

A few years later, i realise that the perfect companion that i thought i could have for the rest of my life, was gone.

It was definitely a sad experience but i would say it's a blessing a disguise.

Then a desire to strengthen my love in the Lord bounces back.

I was determined to have my life changed.

I admit it wasn't easy. The beginning is always the hardest.

I struggled with my unstable emotions. My emotions are like a rollercoaster.

All the temptations & immortal fleshly desires kept playing in my mind.

It made me a comdemned & guilty person, feeling responsible for all these thoughts.

Only God knows how i feel inside.

I kept blaming myself & worry endlessly.

Feeling depressed & empty, i'm tempted to seek another companion but i know that is a very foolish thing to do.

I'm just being too immature to handle my emotions.

Often, i feel that nobody will love me because i'm not a beautiful person.

I hardly think i'm really beautiful & still feel quite insecure inside.

Outwardly, i may appear cheerful but inwardly, it can be the opposite at times.

I lost something that is precious to me & i know i can never have that beautiful thing that God has given.

It is only through God that i finally find my strength & joy in HIM.

HE gives me the right company & keeps loving me.

HE changes my life, makin me feel more beautiful & loved than ever.

I admit i'm still struggling with my security & self-image.

But i realise i become calmer & able to deal with certain situations better.

Still, i face disappointment & sadness in life over certain things.

But i guess that's life.

An imperfect life.

A life that is perfect till man comes to this world.

A broken down world where people face trials & tribulations.